December just arrived. It's the 4th.

yo.
am back from the future

Calvin, you really made her your everything.
Earnestly looking forward to the (supposedly) last day before she goes off to Johor & then Singapore for 2 weeks, but upon hearing the news that she will be unavailable and will be working on the 5th due to unexpected last minute call to substitute a recently fired worker.

...and now you're feeling down and acting like a child, not understanding.
At least you didn't push her away when she asked whether to talk or let you be.

But now, you're still stubborn. Still want to go watch "In between floors" alone..
Use some common sense, don't let yourself be this low. It's disgusting and uncharacteristic of a king.

You should STOP doing things for other people other than yourself.
They won't understand the efforts you put.
You worked out with the intention to impress her in mind, see where am going?
DON'T!! sigh... but it can't be helped.

Just live on.
For yourself, if not for the both of us.
Remember to stand for yourself.

Lesson learn: When faced with unexpected circumstances/event, write it out as a means of venting. Whilst listening to Supercell/Scandal covers/songs.. enjoy. Return to your "untouchable" self.

Concerning academic, you have CS (Tina) Assignment due monday and you've not start. And 2 exams in 2 weeks time you've not revised. I don't have to tell you what to do. Go.

4th Dec '14 11:07pm

Nov update. Blog/msg to self

Hello Calvin.
It's been a long while since I blogged.
Things.. have been happening since our 20th birthday.

You didn't know the impact of your action, did you?
All you ever did was want to get him off your back.
Let me tell you, it worked.

You felt that he was using you and what you thought was friendship was naught.
You were right. You were right to get rid of that 'friendship'.
Carine saw, perceived, & warned you.

We thought in permitting him the knowledge to know the contents of our birthday present, he'd leave.
Though you both have the same box, you knew that he knew which was his box but yet you tempt him to look at the contents of our box knowing that curiosity will get the better (or worse) part of him.

After the that you both didn't talk much. It was after KBU's lantern festival that after he took a 40min trip from one utama to drop you home that you decided to never talk to him. Ever again concerning ---- .
blahblahblah

You pushed and drift away from ah miao cause you felt used too, by her.
When distanced, a void is created. And it needs to be filled. Hence, her coming into the picture.
October 7th: AKCQ~
November 4th: Love Rosie

With drama happening socially: ex, Slacking Group, you didn't know who to trust. And it seemed that everyone from the Slacking Group hates her and you. Well I'm here to tell you that it isn't true. Its just him & ah miao who has a grudge on you and her respectively.

August has passed. So has September and October. Here, November is coming to an end. You must steel yourself. Your ex's birthday is around the corner. Harden yourself. You know what making contact with her would do. It will be a bloody cycle and a waste of time again. Hang in there and stay cold.

You lied. To him. To her. To everyone but to God and yourself.
These "Study Sleepovers".... I don't have to go further.
You feel no remorse for failure, you've become numb.

The future is uncertain, the people's motives are unknown. Be the greatest liar and the better king. You are the only one who knows, so take the wheel and man up. Be more understanding but know when a person is taking advantage of you. Watch the eyes, the body language. You know the signs.

Remember not to slack off in your academics. You cannot undo the past, must not repeat it. You need to set your future. Do not fail year3. Ace it. Sweat and sacrifice. It will not come easy. If you're not feeling it, you're taking it easy. Word hard. For the both of us.

Take care, till next time..
Saturday 22nd Nov '14

Who are you lying to, Calvin?

Your sorrows pile on top of you. Heap over heap, as you feign indifference. Look at where you're standing. You're slipping. You're falling. You need to die. Don't you feel useless? You're so weak you can barely walk on your own two feet.
Loves means nothing to you.
Beauty is foreign to you.
A mask you've placed over your face. Layer over layer.
You damned hypocrite. You damned prick. You're an asshole you know that? It's just a cycle to you isn't it? Where you can escape and run like a coward you always have been one.

You will always be alone.

No matter how good you can play the piano, violin, guitar and bass....
No mattee how good are the stories you wrote...
No matter how beautiful the songs you composed...
No matter how many people you made laugh...
No matter how much you love(d) everyone and show care towards their wellbeing...

You will always be alone.

Cause you stand out. You don't fit in. You never fit in. Even now, as your heart clenches itself and you feel the strong grasping pain... you cannot do anything about it. So just detach yourself from everyone. Die. Die inside. It's about time you reap the seed you sow in yourself.

You are unwanted.

... I am unwanted.

18sept 2014 8:50am

Short update. 15th sept '14

Had I close myself up, would I continue to reap the consequences from my previous relationship?

Part of my intention is to detach myself from ALL the people I made friends with after my breakup. But that's a rash and unreasonable action.. plus, I think I like these different individuals as we sometimes meet up for outings. They're fun, kind, considerate, amusing and interesting people.

I want to start anew a life but my past haunts me through my current behavior to friends of the opposite gender. Although my temper is (currently) under control and I rarely flare up, doing things without thinking is a hard habit I've yet to correct.

Year 3 is about to begin, and I fear the cycle will repeat itself.
The cycle of misplacing my priorities.
Priorities such as social life over academic advancement.

... #1

So.. this is like a new topic. "... #1"
What is it about? I'm not so sure myself too, a rant space?
Nahh.. I already have that on "RANT SESSION##".

Personal diary entry? Don't know.
Just thought sharing I guess.

Umm. What's up lately?
Mmm. Been struggling with my low esteem more frequently.
Suicidal thoughts telling me I'm worthless and that if I die tonight,
people will miss and grief over me but for awhile.

Honestly, my thoughts are so focused on taking that step off a tall building.
"What happens after you commit suicide?" I asked myself.
"I die. Which part of the afterlife I go to, I honestly have no clue whatsoever. Sure my family and some friends will miss me. But it's not like there's a big difference if I ceased to exist physically. One less mouth to feed, worry, and care for. Yeah."

I don't know. These low self-esteem thoughts am having is a one-sided battle I've been losing for so long. And it got worst after the break-up. Such weakness.. urgh. I wish I don't have to be such a depressing prick.

I wish I am not an ENFP.
I wish I'm not an emotionally sensitive selfish individual.
I wish I'm not writing this and spilling my thoughts out right now.

To not wake up the next day.. What is it like..
I guess I kinda know why I act recklessly sometimes.
The risk of death presents itself as an excitement in the form of adrenaline, therefore appealing to me a bit.
I admit I do feel guilty if I were to leave people I've grown attached to, behind. But then again, I've been 'leaving' ever since young... hoping from one social circle to another, never staying in one for long.

It's nearly 4 months now, since April, and I've grown attached to someone. I told myself not to open up, but I. Can't. Stay. In. Solace.

Words from my dad from when I was a tiny-weeny little boy kept replaying itself in my head:
"No man is an island, no one can live alone."

I guess.. "Live, and let live." eh?
I want to disappear. To go back to before I opened up to socializing. Go back to being alone.
That's it for now...

Moody week, Saturday.
Date: 26/7/2014
Start time: 1:47pm
End time: 7:43pm

RANT SESSION #2 - pohtatoe feels for carrot :'s

Hopeless..
Utterly hopeless.
I'm still weak, it seems.

I've not grown any stronger.
I've open up again, be vulnerable.
To friends, to family, to emotions.

I can see progress though, I'm recovering quite well I'd say.
But to let her feel for me.. to let my crush feel for me..
I should be the one shouldering both our problems if am gonna do this right.
Not her. I don't want her to feel unease. But then again, if I look from her POV,
she, who is a strong and lovable person, would never let me carry this baggage of feels and sorrow all by myself.
Yes, she's that kind of person that cares.. that cares without strings attached.

That is why I have an attraction for her.
She's been through some painful past and came out strong, I daresay she came out stronger than I am.
And I want to be stronger, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. So that I can hold us both.

This isn't a rant session, it seems. Just my diary space.. heh
We agreed to give ourselves time to wait till she finishes her IGCSE.
Stay friends, lay low.

Academics first.

A little update.
Am preparing for my resits for next week, mehh.. took a study leave from work.
Digital electronics phase test on monday (ms. norbi) 20th July '14
Fundamentals Digital Signal Processing on friday (mr. alvin) 25th July '14

Back to topic.
I will make sure that I'll be strong enough for the both of us.
I will make sure that she stays happy.
Even at the cost of my own, once again.. :")

Live live, die die.

I should sleep soon, hope I can tonite.
Don't want her to worry. hehe
I have a feeling I'll love her more than I'd expect I'd be able to.
Kudos to you when you read this again next time, Calvin. :)

Peace out.
11:50:30pm 16th July '14
neondrew29, MaskMane, Apathy.Lif, Philius LeShard
Remember your identity, dear me..
Stay happy (^__^)v
Goodnight.
Take care & God bless~

RANT SESSION #1

I don't know what's her game.
I don't feel at peace right now.
What the hell, why am I angry??

I had to be cold to her ystd. I had to.
I can't give her hope when I made up my mind already. I won't.
And now am feeling shitty. No, I'm not guilty for being hard on her.
She has to learn to stand on her own. I can't be there for her anymore.

She broke up with me and now she wants me back.
WHAT
THE
HELL
...I feel played. I won't go back. I won't go back..

After 2 months since the break up, I finally felt peace.
Unmovable peace, or so I thought.

We broke on 1st April:
1st week of April: Was selfless, hope that someone would look out for her.
2nd week of April: Deprived of lost love
3rd week of April: Where sadness becomes anger
4th week of April: Anger build-up

The whole of May was silent as I bottle up every single emotion that was not anger and chucked it away so as to not have my emotions fluctuate.
I finally let go after keeping it in for idk how long.. 2months? Let go of it all and let the emotions hit me like a torrent.
Let it out as in cry like a baby.. 2 Sundays ago. the 29th of June 2014.

It's 8th of July now.
I heard a slanderous rumor.
And it hurts to know that even after the break up, my name and reputation is blemished and brought down falsely.

In all the time during the relationship with my ex, I can confidently say that I have never once, with intention, encourage her mentality to grow towards a negative direction. I always made sure to groom her character, rebuke her when I see fit, and praise her too at times when she takes initiative to do some house chores or serve a kind act.

So I don't understand why what's happening to me. I know this is one of the patience-test God is giving me. But, I seriously lost my cool, my composure.. Had I not take a walk home to cool off, I think I'd be raging for the rest of the week.

just ranting... gonna go shower and take a rest.

The last of his own world: Every end is a Start.

It's so hard to go on
in life when he has
built his life over
that one person, Her.

Once she's taken away,
there goes 
his purpose, 
his goal, 
his motivation, 
his smile, 
his emotional sanctuary. 

Slowly.. 
He has to start all over again without her,
and learn to open up even though
the wound will bleed when prod as it will always be there.

Scars heal. 
Wounds made fresh, when reopen, won't.

How. Long. More.

whelps.

whelps.
Finals just finished..
It's June 4th today.
3days ago would have been our 1-yr anniversary. Mwehh... The whole day I was waiting, expecting.. a call, a text, any sort of contact from her.

But to my frustrating disappointment, she didn't contact me. What was I thinking anyway. I needed this absence though. This.. I think.. is the second last step needed to move on. Totally.

I still keep the gifts she gave, but all stored up on a shelf, the green one on the right..
The first gift from her: A box of 26 folded hearts expressing her wish and yada yada.. (it's in one of the previous posts)
Other gifts: matching necklace with a some sort of quartz looking object hanging in the middle. (the first necklace i've ever worn.. heh)
rm600 polaroid camera in which i want to throw/give away..
What else... other trinkets and objects she deemed precious to her.
I should probably stow away the comfy big blue shirt she bought for me from Australia too. maybe I should...

I've a friend, who just broke up too.
I broke first, before her.. but we both went through a break before- argh, not supposed to divulge details. Anyways, thank God for such a friend. We see each other in church sometimes. Text to encourage each other, and check how we're doing daily from our own break-up, nostalgia attacks, etc.

All in all, it's good to have someone's back and have someone have my back.
We're good, I supposed.

Flunk Mr. lye's project.
#dota2
#collegefriends
#carrot
#ahmiao
#Gallbin
#twolittlegirls
#IMMADADDY
#ivan_and_jordan

The Cure - Part 2

Kicking the sheets away from him, Dominic trudged towards the kitchen, following the faint scent of cooked food.

A cup of coffee was prepared along with a British plate of eggs and hams on the table set in the middle with two chairs placed on opposite sides. Holly was reading Fallen by Lauren Kate at the side of the table that’s closer to the sink.

“Holly,” Dominic said, “How many times have you read that book again?”

With eyes glued to the pages, Holly pointed briefly towards the owl-shaped clock that hung behind him.

“It’s afternoon, eh?” He said to no one in particular. “I’ve been out that long.”

With one hand, he drained the contents in the cup, and with the other, he snatched the thin piece of ham and chewed on it, as he stalked out of the kitchen. Dominic stopped by the door and pondered on his next course of action. He was attacked the evening before on the way home, but managed to get away with a few injuries. He found the cure to a disease everyone thinks does not exist. His parents hung up on him. Should he go to the university today? Will they let him enter the research and development laboratory after his persistent calls from yesterday? They should, right? He has to test the formula of the serum for the cure. That would be enough of a reason, right? Surely, the lecturers there would not blacklist him from exercising the rights to work in the lab.

Dominic decided then that he would not let rejection bring him down. Not when he has come this far and especially not when he found something that may help humankind survive the next attack. He paced all around, at times he’d be in the room, eyes flicking up and down the laptop’s screen, at other times he’d be flipping through medical concordance and magazines in the living room. Occasionally, he’d visit the kitchen to check on Holly.

Picking up his mobile from the floor, Dominic tapped a couple of times on the touchscreen after an hour of pacing.

“Holly,” he called from the living room, “I’m going out… to meet Jim.”

He knew she heard his hesitation. Holly dog-eared her current page before setting it down on the dining table and ran to the bedroom.

“That girl…” He muttered under his breathe.

He felt a pressure being applied onto his right wrist as he was halfway out the door. Dominic turned around to find Holly with eyes cast down, with his coat in her other hand. He turn towards her and took the coat.

“I’ll be back for dinner.” Dominic said as he closed the door behind him.

Finished date/time:  ‎3 ‎June, ‎2014, ‏‎11:52 PM

This is a continuation to "The Cure" written in ‎18th June 2012.

"The Cure - part 3" should be out soon..

"..no way in hell that I'd get back with my ex.." is what I told myself.

"..no way in hell that I'd get back with my ex.." is what I told myself.

A month plus a few days after the breakup.. I miss her.
(to make matters worst)
...and I wonder if she does too.

This state of longing.. I hate to be in. I want to have her back in my life, but I know it will only make it worse.
This gap inside me.. an emotional gap. I want it to be filled. I want to love again.
(Ironically, I used to hate loving and stayed in my own world of a nutshell.)

My fingers itched to click on the "add friend" button on every social media we shared.
She was my everything.
We understood each other completely.
But I held myself back. I know that it won't do any of us good, particularly.. me.
My finals is in 3days time... and I'm dwelling in the past, not that I can help it whenever these mood swings strikes.

Tears clogged up my throat and it becomes tight as I struggle not to let these emotions overwhelm me.
I 'stumbled' upon pictures of us and I just.... can't help but feel very very sad and I just scrunch up myself, as if making myself seem tiny would help ease these scars in my heart fade away..

*whispers*
I just want to love again.

...my voice, if any hears with discernment, is filled with sorrow behind a blast of forced jolliness, called hype.

morning blues.. literally.
10:15am 14th May 2014

Dawn breaks, Day starts.

Clouds billowed and moved over the expanse of the dark sky.

Trickle of dew hung still from the tip of a leaf.

The morning air starts to stir.

It starts off faint, and then quickens its pace a little.

The dew wobbled but did not fall.

Mist from the previous night began to dissipate as the sun climbs its way into the sky.

Tiny birds flapped their wings and chirp after one another, it soon became a melody.

A small nose peeked out of the hole of a tree bark, the bright eyes of a squirrel followed after.

Tammy twitched her ears.

It purred softly.

Arching her back with her tail stiff and straight, it gave a long yawn.

Settling back onto its hind legs, it lifted her left paw and started licking it again and again.

The willows by the pond swayed gently with the morning wind.

Fishes of blue and green stirred underneath the surface of the water.

Smaller guppies dived under and swim over the larger fishes.

I turned off the video camera.

Looking over the horizon, the full shape of the sun was starting to form as it rose.

The mountains began to fill with life as every creature on it awake from their slumber.

Flowers bloomed.

Bees buzzed about.

A rooster crows from the neighbouring village.

The black bear stirs in its den.

Mother’s voice calls from the kitchen.

The day starts.

Short write-up.
17:30 10th May 2014
one day after KBU International Night 2014