... #1

So.. this is like a new topic. "... #1"
What is it about? I'm not so sure myself too, a rant space?
Nahh.. I already have that on "RANT SESSION##".

Personal diary entry? Don't know.
Just thought sharing I guess.

Umm. What's up lately?
Mmm. Been struggling with my low esteem more frequently.
Suicidal thoughts telling me I'm worthless and that if I die tonight,
people will miss and grief over me but for awhile.

Honestly, my thoughts are so focused on taking that step off a tall building.
"What happens after you commit suicide?" I asked myself.
"I die. Which part of the afterlife I go to, I honestly have no clue whatsoever. Sure my family and some friends will miss me. But it's not like there's a big difference if I ceased to exist physically. One less mouth to feed, worry, and care for. Yeah."

I don't know. These low self-esteem thoughts am having is a one-sided battle I've been losing for so long. And it got worst after the break-up. Such weakness.. urgh. I wish I don't have to be such a depressing prick.

I wish I am not an ENFP.
I wish I'm not an emotionally sensitive selfish individual.
I wish I'm not writing this and spilling my thoughts out right now.

To not wake up the next day.. What is it like..
I guess I kinda know why I act recklessly sometimes.
The risk of death presents itself as an excitement in the form of adrenaline, therefore appealing to me a bit.
I admit I do feel guilty if I were to leave people I've grown attached to, behind. But then again, I've been 'leaving' ever since young... hoping from one social circle to another, never staying in one for long.

It's nearly 4 months now, since April, and I've grown attached to someone. I told myself not to open up, but I. Can't. Stay. In. Solace.

Words from my dad from when I was a tiny-weeny little boy kept replaying itself in my head:
"No man is an island, no one can live alone."

I guess.. "Live, and let live." eh?
I want to disappear. To go back to before I opened up to socializing. Go back to being alone.
That's it for now...

Moody week, Saturday.
Date: 26/7/2014
Start time: 1:47pm
End time: 7:43pm

RANT SESSION #2 - pohtatoe feels for carrot :'s

Hopeless..
Utterly hopeless.
I'm still weak, it seems.

I've not grown any stronger.
I've open up again, be vulnerable.
To friends, to family, to emotions.

I can see progress though, I'm recovering quite well I'd say.
But to let her feel for me.. to let my crush feel for me..
I should be the one shouldering both our problems if am gonna do this right.
Not her. I don't want her to feel unease. But then again, if I look from her POV,
she, who is a strong and lovable person, would never let me carry this baggage of feels and sorrow all by myself.
Yes, she's that kind of person that cares.. that cares without strings attached.

That is why I have an attraction for her.
She's been through some painful past and came out strong, I daresay she came out stronger than I am.
And I want to be stronger, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. So that I can hold us both.

This isn't a rant session, it seems. Just my diary space.. heh
We agreed to give ourselves time to wait till she finishes her IGCSE.
Stay friends, lay low.

Academics first.

A little update.
Am preparing for my resits for next week, mehh.. took a study leave from work.
Digital electronics phase test on monday (ms. norbi) 20th July '14
Fundamentals Digital Signal Processing on friday (mr. alvin) 25th July '14

Back to topic.
I will make sure that I'll be strong enough for the both of us.
I will make sure that she stays happy.
Even at the cost of my own, once again.. :")

Live live, die die.

I should sleep soon, hope I can tonite.
Don't want her to worry. hehe
I have a feeling I'll love her more than I'd expect I'd be able to.
Kudos to you when you read this again next time, Calvin. :)

Peace out.
11:50:30pm 16th July '14
neondrew29, MaskMane, Apathy.Lif, Philius LeShard
Remember your identity, dear me..
Stay happy (^__^)v
Goodnight.
Take care & God bless~

RANT SESSION #1

I don't know what's her game.
I don't feel at peace right now.
What the hell, why am I angry??

I had to be cold to her ystd. I had to.
I can't give her hope when I made up my mind already. I won't.
And now am feeling shitty. No, I'm not guilty for being hard on her.
She has to learn to stand on her own. I can't be there for her anymore.

She broke up with me and now she wants me back.
WHAT
THE
HELL
...I feel played. I won't go back. I won't go back..

After 2 months since the break up, I finally felt peace.
Unmovable peace, or so I thought.

We broke on 1st April:
1st week of April: Was selfless, hope that someone would look out for her.
2nd week of April: Deprived of lost love
3rd week of April: Where sadness becomes anger
4th week of April: Anger build-up

The whole of May was silent as I bottle up every single emotion that was not anger and chucked it away so as to not have my emotions fluctuate.
I finally let go after keeping it in for idk how long.. 2months? Let go of it all and let the emotions hit me like a torrent.
Let it out as in cry like a baby.. 2 Sundays ago. the 29th of June 2014.

It's 8th of July now.
I heard a slanderous rumor.
And it hurts to know that even after the break up, my name and reputation is blemished and brought down falsely.

In all the time during the relationship with my ex, I can confidently say that I have never once, with intention, encourage her mentality to grow towards a negative direction. I always made sure to groom her character, rebuke her when I see fit, and praise her too at times when she takes initiative to do some house chores or serve a kind act.

So I don't understand why what's happening to me. I know this is one of the patience-test God is giving me. But, I seriously lost my cool, my composure.. Had I not take a walk home to cool off, I think I'd be raging for the rest of the week.

just ranting... gonna go shower and take a rest.

The last of his own world: Every end is a Start.

It's so hard to go on
in life when he has
built his life over
that one person, Her.

Once she's taken away,
there goes 
his purpose, 
his goal, 
his motivation, 
his smile, 
his emotional sanctuary. 

Slowly.. 
He has to start all over again without her,
and learn to open up even though
the wound will bleed when prod as it will always be there.

Scars heal. 
Wounds made fresh, when reopen, won't.

How. Long. More.