... #1

So.. this is like a new topic. "... #1"
What is it about? I'm not so sure myself too, a rant space?
Nahh.. I already have that on "RANT SESSION##".

Personal diary entry? Don't know.
Just thought sharing I guess.

Umm. What's up lately?
Mmm. Been struggling with my low esteem more frequently.
Suicidal thoughts telling me I'm worthless and that if I die tonight,
people will miss and grief over me but for awhile.

Honestly, my thoughts are so focused on taking that step off a tall building.
"What happens after you commit suicide?" I asked myself.
"I die. Which part of the afterlife I go to, I honestly have no clue whatsoever. Sure my family and some friends will miss me. But it's not like there's a big difference if I ceased to exist physically. One less mouth to feed, worry, and care for. Yeah."

I don't know. These low self-esteem thoughts am having is a one-sided battle I've been losing for so long. And it got worst after the break-up. Such weakness.. urgh. I wish I don't have to be such a depressing prick.

I wish I am not an ENFP.
I wish I'm not an emotionally sensitive selfish individual.
I wish I'm not writing this and spilling my thoughts out right now.

To not wake up the next day.. What is it like..
I guess I kinda know why I act recklessly sometimes.
The risk of death presents itself as an excitement in the form of adrenaline, therefore appealing to me a bit.
I admit I do feel guilty if I were to leave people I've grown attached to, behind. But then again, I've been 'leaving' ever since young... hoping from one social circle to another, never staying in one for long.

It's nearly 4 months now, since April, and I've grown attached to someone. I told myself not to open up, but I. Can't. Stay. In. Solace.

Words from my dad from when I was a tiny-weeny little boy kept replaying itself in my head:
"No man is an island, no one can live alone."

I guess.. "Live, and let live." eh?
I want to disappear. To go back to before I opened up to socializing. Go back to being alone.
That's it for now...

Moody week, Saturday.
Date: 26/7/2014
Start time: 1:47pm
End time: 7:43pm