"..no way in hell that I'd get back with my ex.." is what I told myself.

"..no way in hell that I'd get back with my ex.." is what I told myself.

A month plus a few days after the breakup.. I miss her.
(to make matters worst)
...and I wonder if she does too.

This state of longing.. I hate to be in. I want to have her back in my life, but I know it will only make it worse.
This gap inside me.. an emotional gap. I want it to be filled. I want to love again.
(Ironically, I used to hate loving and stayed in my own world of a nutshell.)

My fingers itched to click on the "add friend" button on every social media we shared.
She was my everything.
We understood each other completely.
But I held myself back. I know that it won't do any of us good, particularly.. me.
My finals is in 3days time... and I'm dwelling in the past, not that I can help it whenever these mood swings strikes.

Tears clogged up my throat and it becomes tight as I struggle not to let these emotions overwhelm me.
I 'stumbled' upon pictures of us and I just.... can't help but feel very very sad and I just scrunch up myself, as if making myself seem tiny would help ease these scars in my heart fade away..

*whispers*
I just want to love again.

...my voice, if any hears with discernment, is filled with sorrow behind a blast of forced jolliness, called hype.

morning blues.. literally.
10:15am 14th May 2014

Dawn breaks, Day starts.

Clouds billowed and moved over the expanse of the dark sky.

Trickle of dew hung still from the tip of a leaf.

The morning air starts to stir.

It starts off faint, and then quickens its pace a little.

The dew wobbled but did not fall.

Mist from the previous night began to dissipate as the sun climbs its way into the sky.

Tiny birds flapped their wings and chirp after one another, it soon became a melody.

A small nose peeked out of the hole of a tree bark, the bright eyes of a squirrel followed after.

Tammy twitched her ears.

It purred softly.

Arching her back with her tail stiff and straight, it gave a long yawn.

Settling back onto its hind legs, it lifted her left paw and started licking it again and again.

The willows by the pond swayed gently with the morning wind.

Fishes of blue and green stirred underneath the surface of the water.

Smaller guppies dived under and swim over the larger fishes.

I turned off the video camera.

Looking over the horizon, the full shape of the sun was starting to form as it rose.

The mountains began to fill with life as every creature on it awake from their slumber.

Flowers bloomed.

Bees buzzed about.

A rooster crows from the neighbouring village.

The black bear stirs in its den.

Mother’s voice calls from the kitchen.

The day starts.

Short write-up.
17:30 10th May 2014
one day after KBU International Night 2014

Personal Diary Entry: 30th April 2014 [[If you have a heart, you are weak.]]

Everywhere is a trap,
every person is a lie.
Happiness is a fairytale,
we live only to die.

Strength in bitterness,
love is a myth.
Life chomps and drain,
family is not a gift.

Bonds with strangers are stronger than blood.
Enough means enough.

A purposeless generation is what we are,
but trust weaves us tight through a common foe.
Hypocrites is what we've been named and branded and told.

So screw you all,
we've tired of being played.
Through the shit talks you give,
we pave our own way.

Keeping up appearances,
double lives we lead.
What is love?
Anger supercedes.

Pops used to bitch about making hard decisions,
it takes sacrifice he said.
So I cast away my ties with close ones,
they let me down.
But not anymore, to me they're all ghosts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[[If you have a heart, you are weak.]]
wrote this when mom is in Holond/London holiday..
dad is sick, flu i think. he got pissed and the name branding begins again..
well, he kicked me out in advance. I've to find a job and a place to stay till yr3 starts..
june-sept I live alone.
Update: I don't have to move out. weeeeeeee~~~~

Personal Diary Entry: 11th Aprill 2014

Don't give hope, where there is none.
Leave their lives alone, to what they've been given.
Their smile, so sweet so precious, rob it not.
The kindness and companionship they share, are all given from God.

Stay in my own circle, overlap with none.
For to intertwine is to step out, to start new, to be open.
To be vulnerable, to be weak, where their warmth supercedes.
I cannot go back to before, nine months plus five years more.

Video games I started out with, virtual reality is my unspoken peer.
Loneliness became my friend, I respawn a thousand times, death is still my fear.
Imagination & fantasy I go back to, when the world chokes me with its daily blue.
I cannot go back to before, nine months plus five years more.

So I harden up my heart, I can't give in no more, I expose no more.
This is the only tunnel I see light at the end, the rest all pitch-black.
Elizabeth & Narcissus I made friends with, I trust only mt own two hands.
I cannot go back to before, nine months plus five years more.

It all started with a need for love, it turned to envy then jealousy.
Strife as I might to achieve what everyone has, happiness is their God & their own.
Secrets, deep and dark lurk behind a mask. A facade.
I cannot go back to before, nine months plus five years more.

I waste my life now, I don't really care. I live the life I wanna live!
They came into my life but what I need, they cannot give.
This is the life I wanna live!
I cannot go back to before, nine months plus five years more.

I wrote this 10days after the break-up...